Adjusting to a new baby: some sanity tips from the trenches

Well, it's been a month since we welcomed our son into our home, and it's amazing how much there is to learn with each new addition to the family.

Prior to his birth, I thought I had everything planned out. I had spent the bulk of Ramadan and the months afterward decluttering my home. I had cooked a couple of meals (not enough though) and frozen them to deal with the busy days after his birth. My baby bag was packed weeks before, diapers purchased, a couple of new outfits, caps, and undershirts included, as well as my clothes.

Well, babies are hardly ever predictable, and if I was under the illusion that I could simply manage another child with good preparation, boy was I ever wrong!

For starters, I had forgotten in five years how completely dependent a newborn is. I'd say that's the hardest part. I cannot sit and check email in peace, let alone write this post without having him lie next to me in his crib, while he is still crying.

And yes, the crying. It's enough to make you go mad. I was used to communicating with words. Now, deciphering the code of the newborn is a lingo I have to relearn, if I even remember it from my last child five years ago. Babies cry. And cry. And cry. On good days, they cry when they need: a. a diaper change b. food c. are tired d. need to burp. There is logic to it.

On other days, it's because there's some underlying issue (e.g. digestive/colic) that, try as you might, you just cannot do anything about, with or without gas drops, complicated holding techniques, or constant swaying in the carseat. And then there are the times you have no clue and want to join along in the crying in frustration.

In other words, adding a newborn means true sacrifice, even with a helpful husband and older kids. There are days when it's easy to embrace the role. Other days where you just want to jump in the car and drive off, at least for 20 minutes, to just savor being alone again, no crying, no carseat, just you and your much battered state of mind.

And then there are the days you want to sit wrapped up in a blanket with your newborn and stare and babble and make all those funny noises that are supposed to build your baby's brain, talking and communicating with him or her. If this was your first child, you probably would be doing that. But since it is your fourth, you try to squeeze in some quick bonding before rushing off to help child #1, 2, or 3 with homework, or some other intellectually stimulating activity. And that of course stimulates your mommy guilt at supposedly neglecting this latest addition.

So now that I've vented, I ask God to please help me through these difficult days (and nights!) and am ready to offer a couple of tips:

1. Pacifiers can be a necessary evil. Get your kid used to one early.

As long as you can limit usage to times when you are truly going nuts with the crying, your kid should ideally not have nipple confusion (if you are breastfeeding him or her). This is also useful in public spaces, where other people have little tolerance for crying infants.

2. If you have a normal delivery, don't do anything for two weeks, at least

Day 5 after delivery, I wanted to resume my normal schedule, and proceeded to drive my kindergartner to her school, which is almost half an hour away. Big mistake. I was in major pain for days. The first six weeks after delivery are a time of rest if you don't want to end up with potential lifelong health problems. Your body is recovering. If you can enlist the help of family and friends to drive your kids to school, do it before your delivery. You will truly be glad you did.

3. Freeze two months worth of meals

Something I deeply regret. I wish I had frozen more meals. It is a pain to deal with cooking when you are recovering and dealing with a newborn who has to nurse right when the other kids are hungry as well. And I say this despite the fact that my husband took over the bulk of cooking duty during the first two weeks, and I had other family members send food.

If you do have to cook, rice and stir-fry are the way. If your kids are older (e.g. 10 and up) and can safely use the stove, enlist their help as well.

4. Skip the dishes if you can

If you have older children who know how to do dishes properly or can load a dishwasher, you can and should skip this option. But if you don't, avoid using dishes, glasses, plates, and utensils for meals and go disposable. You simply will not have the energy to deal with a messy, smelly kitchen, and dishes are the number one cause of that (after the garbage can).

5. Arrange for housecleaning

If you are given enough cash as a gift, consider hiring a maid for at least one week to give your home a good scrub down. You are going to be tired, and will have way too much to do to be deep cleaning your house.

If you cannot afford it, and your family does not already do this, call a family meeting and explain that with a new baby, everybody, daddy and all children, have to pull more of the weight around the house. That means doing laundry, cooking, general upkeep, etc. This article offers some age-appropriate ideas.

6. Take breaks away from the baby with the other kids

Lest they feel neglected, after you've fed the baby, and s/he has been burped, changed, and is ready for a nap, take your remaining kids and do something fun with them. It could be sitting and playing a board game, baking cookies, or volunteering for a good cause over a short spurt of time. Have daddy watch baby for you.

7. Plan some things to do while feeding the baby

You may want to lock eyes and hold your baby's finger while s/he is feeding, but other times, you will be bored out of your mind. Check out from the library or invest in a book you've been wanting to read, a DVD you've wanted to watch, or something else that you can do with no or one hand during this time. It will make you feel less stressed.

8. Pray, pray, and pray again

I can't emphasize this enough. It's the only thing that will help you get through those nights you are getting what seems like barely 15 minutes of sleep. Just make a deep Dua from the bottom of your heart. And keep in mind that insha Allah, yes this will pass very soon.